Oh What a Difference a Year Makes!

Well, I have not written anything in a while. So let me get everyone up to speed! Last May Tara and I got married. This whole process has been a journey!

After chest surgery I worked with my surgeon to get the needed letter for my application to change my gender marker. In Wisconsin you have to contact a man in Madison and ask for the paperwork for gender marker change. Once you have it you need a letter from the surgeon assuring the judge that you have had gender changing surgery. You turn that in to the county you live in along with a check and it goes before a judge. I did not have to go into the courtroom this time which was nice. Once you have the paperwork you begin to change all of your identifications and cards. This is a never ending process.

Tara and I have been together for 20 years and although we were never legally married we were married to each other's souls. I don't think we ever thought we would legally marry and of course I always said if same sex marriage became legal we were going to do it!!! I never really thought we would get married as a queer couple. A year before we started to talk about it. I think it helped to see our good friends Darci and Peyton another queer couple that also got married. We also began to think of health insurance and some of the benefits. So we set a date! May 1, 2010 we married at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of La Crosse by Eric Severson. Tara made lasagna for dinner, with fresh asparagus, garlic bread. We served cool soda, wine and champagne. Tara made a flour less chocolate cake and cookies and her Aunt Margaret Ann made us a beautiful cake. We invited 50 of our closet friends. Our nieces handed out flowers for the flower ceremony and they were our flower girls too!! Jason Kouba sang a song from our youth Steven Curtis Chapman I Will Be Here and we had an amazing quartet play beautiful music (thanks smom.)

I did not really understand what that day would mean or how it would feel. I once heard Robin Ochs (Bisexuality Educator) talk about the day Same Sex Marriage became legal in Massachusetts. She shared with us the video of her and Peg's wedding day and she talked about how much sharing their love publicly with their family and friends meant to her. After experiencing it myself I understand. Freely and publicly sharing your commitment and love with the people that love you is such an amazing thing. Every person that loves another person should be allowed the opportunity to do this in your church, at the park or with a judge. I am so happy Tara was willing to go on this ride with me. Tara bought this vintage dress that was so beautiful. She was amazing! Her family was incredible. Her aunt, uncles, cousin, grandma, brother and sister-on-law and mom and dad all attended. Her dad cried when he hugged her. It was amazing! For the first time in 20 years I felt so free. Free for us to really be ourselves.

So had married life changed us? No, I don't think it has. Being seen as a straight couple is odd and all of the privileges that we are given is shocking and hard to get use to. We can hold hands or kiss and hug and not fear for our safety. Tara can use my credit card even though we do not have the same last name. All she has to say is "it is my husbands." We have found that we both have used "my wife... or my husband..." in certain venues to receive better service. It feels weird but it also feels naughty like wait until they catch us. We felt that way the day we went to get our marriage license. What if something pops up and the tell us "you're busted you can't get married!" But that never happened! The rules in this world don't make any sense.

I love Tara just as much if not more than the day we said I do just the two of us. She loves me and went on this journey with me and I am so lucky to have held on to her love. She is an incredible woman. She is strong and she too has grown so much.

This past December Tara and I had to do the most difficult thing ever. We had to put our 11 year old yellow lab, Cierra, down. It was very hard to do and I still feel sad about loosing her. I am so glad we had each other. I always said the day something happens to Cierra I will need two weeks off just to recuperate. Well, I had taken two weeks off for the holidays and to hang out with Cierra. She got sick on Christmas Eve and never recovered. I spent my two weeks mourning our baby and working on moving on. It was hard because she was our baby, our family and to make that decision was torture. We knew her body was beginning to fail and I was ready to help her age and all of a sudden change happens.

I grew up with a dog throughout my childhood (schnauzers - Buffy and Cheech) and I always felt those dogs got me through my past. My family was very dysfunctional and those dogs soothed me. Their were times in my adult life while healing from the traumas of childhood that Cierra was that support for me. I wish I could have done more for her because she gave so much to me. (I love you girl!)

Because of our love for dogs we decided to get another pet come summer. We both needed time to grieve and to move on. I of course got the itch much sooner than Tara. We looked at adult dogs and decided we would do one more puppy. So in May we found The Lab Rescue. They had a cute puppy named Abby on their web page. She was still available and living outside of Madison in a foster home with her siblings and mother. We went and met the mom and her two brothers and fell in love. A week later Lily came into our home and our hearts forever. So for part of May and all of June I used my vacation to spend time bonding and training Lily.

This is the first year in 10 that I am using all but 8 hours of my vacation!! It feels amazing! Tara, Lily and I are doing some stay-cations and enjoying life. Who knew what a difference a year has made!