Sobriety

On February 17, 2015 I celebrated 25 years clean and sober.  Some days I think, was I ever really that person?  I took my first drink as a young child.  My father was an alcoholic.  He drank from the moment he got home from work until he went to bed.  My job was to wait for my name to be yelled through the house, then run to the refrigerator grab him a bottle of beer, open it take the first drink and bring it to my father.  I then took the empty bottle and placed in the empty case.  Some times I took too big of a drink and he would say “Hey, watch it or easy!”  We always had four cases of beer stacked in the hallway.  Sometimes I went with him to the liquor store where he bought at least two cases of beer a week. 

 

I love the taste of beer.  I love the smell, the flavor and how it cuts your thirst like nothing else.  What I did not love was the monster it turned my father into on the weekends.  The evil man he became and then the next day the sweet apologetic man.  My mom did not drink.  She used to say, “he drinks and I eat!”  She never stood up to him, but I don’t think she could. 

 

I did not start drinking until high school.  I was a sophomore when I got drunk the first time.  I liked the feeling of loosing control!  I did not like the hang over!  However, the opportunity to escape and loose control quickly became my goal.  Once I started I did not stop.  I was the kid who could never just get buzzed.  If I drank I got fucked up!  My friends were not like that.  Eventually my depression and the drinking were not a good mix.  By the time I was a senior in high school I was drinking every day. 

 

One day a peer of mine gave me a note that said they had found a jug of wine in the Alumni room and that it is in the dark room (photo lab) in the basement.  So I went from my class to the dark room for the rest of the afternoon.  When I emerged at the end of the day I was drunk.  That was the day my friends had had enough and turned me in.  That is how I ended up in treatment for 28 days. 

 

I learned a lot in treatment, but my focus was on my parents not me.  After treatment I went to AA meetings and counseling appointments and stayed sober.  However, my saving grace was moving to La Crosse and starting school at UW-L. I had do clue about college, but  I needed out of that home and to be away from my family.  I came to UW-L with the idea that I could start fresh and re-make myself.  I continued to go to meetings and stay sober.  I helped start an AA group at the Newman Center called the Young People in AA. However, when things got tough and I struggled I started to drink again.

 

Something in me did not want to return to drinking.  I liked the way my new life was going, but everything was against me.  My grades were bad my first semester, as a first generation college student I did not know what I was doing and my family of origin issues weren’t going away.  So I went to La Crosse County Human Services (where the Family and Children’s Center is now on Main Street and 17^th street) for an assessment.  That is where I met the first counselor who really changed my life.  She told me that until I can stay sober for a year I could not dive into my family shit.  With her support, encouragement and some kicks in the ass I did it. 

 

I drank for so many reasons.  To escape, protect myself, numb, hurt others, and sometimes myself because I was hurting and mad, and I did not know what else to do with my deep wounded self.  Getting sober allowed me to face so many truths and to heal and grow.  I would not be with Tara without sobriety; I would not have a Bachelor’s Degree let alone a Master’s Degree and I do not know if I would even be alive! 

Healing is a Gift

 In 1968 I was a gift placed under the Christmas tree.  The idea that they saw me as “their precious gift” sounds so beautiful and I am sure most people would say “Awww how sweet!”  I wish this were true.  Instead of a gift I felt like I was born to protect my mother and be my father’s dirty secret. 

 

46 years later and I am happy I survived!  I was an only child who found solace from the family dog and my imagination.  School for me was a safe haven; respite and my teachers were my parental figures.  I used many coping mechanisms to survive self-injury, drinking, compulsive masturbation, eatin, smoking etc…  I have worked to not feel shame or blame about them.  Instead I feel grateful that they protected my soul and allowed me to survive. 

 

There most likely will always be a time that I need to go back to therapy.  Some might feel this is failure, however, I view it as self-care.  Trauma grows deep throughout your membranes and can be released at different times in your life.  That does NOT mean you have failed! It is a way for your system to say you are ready to face it, release it and heal. 

 

In my life I have gone to therapy about five different times.  Each time I focused on another part of my pain.  Each time I learned more about who I am and how I survived.  Healing is a process not a race!  Healing is part of life.  However, society would lead you to believe it is how hard you work.  If only the world would realize how hard you have worked to survive.

 

I have to be honest and say that I wish this were not my journey.  I wish my childhood were happy and carefree.  However, it shaped me to be the man that I am.  It allows me to be compassionate with my students, to speak up even when my voice shakes and to fight for justice.  It allows me to hold open the space for others to share their voices.  This is my gift!

 

Sometimes I ask why did this happen to me?  What lesson(s) was I to learn from this?  I don’t have many answers for why, but I do have answers for lessons.  I have been given the gift of empathy, the strength to face my abuse and the courage to heal from it.  This is not an easy task nor is it a quick one. 

 

There are so many of us out here.  Sexual assault and rape is rampant in this world.  We don’t care about our children or our women.  They are seen as possessions, items without choices that can be discarded and thrown away.  Until men, women and children see this and demand change the system will continue!  So we must work to heal and light the way for others.