In 1968 I was a gift placed under the Christmas tree. The idea that they saw me as “their precious gift” sounds so beautiful and I am sure most people would say “Awww how sweet!” I wish this were true. Instead of a gift I felt like I was born to protect my mother and be my father’s dirty secret.
46 years later and I am happy I survived! I was an only child who found solace from the family dog and my imagination. School for me was a safe haven; respite and my teachers were my parental figures. I used many coping mechanisms to survive self-injury, drinking, compulsive masturbation, eatin, smoking etc… I have worked to not feel shame or blame about them. Instead I feel grateful that they protected my soul and allowed me to survive.
There most likely will always be a time that I need to go back to therapy. Some might feel this is failure, however, I view it as self-care. Trauma grows deep throughout your membranes and can be released at different times in your life. That does NOT mean you have failed! It is a way for your system to say you are ready to face it, release it and heal.
In my life I have gone to therapy about five different times. Each time I focused on another part of my pain. Each time I learned more about who I am and how I survived. Healing is a process not a race! Healing is part of life. However, society would lead you to believe it is how hard you work. If only the world would realize how hard you have worked to survive.
I have to be honest and say that I wish this were not my journey. I wish my childhood were happy and carefree. However, it shaped me to be the man that I am. It allows me to be compassionate with my students, to speak up even when my voice shakes and to fight for justice. It allows me to hold open the space for others to share their voices. This is my gift!
Sometimes I ask why did this happen to me? What lesson(s) was I to learn from this? I don’t have many answers for why, but I do have answers for lessons. I have been given the gift of empathy, the strength to face my abuse and the courage to heal from it. This is not an easy task nor is it a quick one.
There are so many of us out here. Sexual assault and rape is rampant in this world. We don’t care about our children or our women. They are seen as possessions, items without choices that can be discarded and thrown away. Until men, women and children see this and demand change the system will continue! So we must work to heal and light the way for others.
