Sobriety

On February 17, 2015 I celebrated 25 years clean and sober.  Some days I think, was I ever really that person?  I took my first drink as a young child.  My father was an alcoholic.  He drank from the moment he got home from work until he went to bed.  My job was to wait for my name to be yelled through the house, then run to the refrigerator grab him a bottle of beer, open it take the first drink and bring it to my father.  I then took the empty bottle and placed in the empty case.  Some times I took too big of a drink and he would say “Hey, watch it or easy!”  We always had four cases of beer stacked in the hallway.  Sometimes I went with him to the liquor store where he bought at least two cases of beer a week. 

 

I love the taste of beer.  I love the smell, the flavor and how it cuts your thirst like nothing else.  What I did not love was the monster it turned my father into on the weekends.  The evil man he became and then the next day the sweet apologetic man.  My mom did not drink.  She used to say, “he drinks and I eat!”  She never stood up to him, but I don’t think she could. 

 

I did not start drinking until high school.  I was a sophomore when I got drunk the first time.  I liked the feeling of loosing control!  I did not like the hang over!  However, the opportunity to escape and loose control quickly became my goal.  Once I started I did not stop.  I was the kid who could never just get buzzed.  If I drank I got fucked up!  My friends were not like that.  Eventually my depression and the drinking were not a good mix.  By the time I was a senior in high school I was drinking every day. 

 

One day a peer of mine gave me a note that said they had found a jug of wine in the Alumni room and that it is in the dark room (photo lab) in the basement.  So I went from my class to the dark room for the rest of the afternoon.  When I emerged at the end of the day I was drunk.  That was the day my friends had had enough and turned me in.  That is how I ended up in treatment for 28 days. 

 

I learned a lot in treatment, but my focus was on my parents not me.  After treatment I went to AA meetings and counseling appointments and stayed sober.  However, my saving grace was moving to La Crosse and starting school at UW-L. I had do clue about college, but  I needed out of that home and to be away from my family.  I came to UW-L with the idea that I could start fresh and re-make myself.  I continued to go to meetings and stay sober.  I helped start an AA group at the Newman Center called the Young People in AA. However, when things got tough and I struggled I started to drink again.

 

Something in me did not want to return to drinking.  I liked the way my new life was going, but everything was against me.  My grades were bad my first semester, as a first generation college student I did not know what I was doing and my family of origin issues weren’t going away.  So I went to La Crosse County Human Services (where the Family and Children’s Center is now on Main Street and 17^th street) for an assessment.  That is where I met the first counselor who really changed my life.  She told me that until I can stay sober for a year I could not dive into my family shit.  With her support, encouragement and some kicks in the ass I did it. 

 

I drank for so many reasons.  To escape, protect myself, numb, hurt others, and sometimes myself because I was hurting and mad, and I did not know what else to do with my deep wounded self.  Getting sober allowed me to face so many truths and to heal and grow.  I would not be with Tara without sobriety; I would not have a Bachelor’s Degree let alone a Master’s Degree and I do not know if I would even be alive! 

Healing is a Gift

 In 1968 I was a gift placed under the Christmas tree.  The idea that they saw me as “their precious gift” sounds so beautiful and I am sure most people would say “Awww how sweet!”  I wish this were true.  Instead of a gift I felt like I was born to protect my mother and be my father’s dirty secret. 

 

46 years later and I am happy I survived!  I was an only child who found solace from the family dog and my imagination.  School for me was a safe haven; respite and my teachers were my parental figures.  I used many coping mechanisms to survive self-injury, drinking, compulsive masturbation, eatin, smoking etc…  I have worked to not feel shame or blame about them.  Instead I feel grateful that they protected my soul and allowed me to survive. 

 

There most likely will always be a time that I need to go back to therapy.  Some might feel this is failure, however, I view it as self-care.  Trauma grows deep throughout your membranes and can be released at different times in your life.  That does NOT mean you have failed! It is a way for your system to say you are ready to face it, release it and heal. 

 

In my life I have gone to therapy about five different times.  Each time I focused on another part of my pain.  Each time I learned more about who I am and how I survived.  Healing is a process not a race!  Healing is part of life.  However, society would lead you to believe it is how hard you work.  If only the world would realize how hard you have worked to survive.

 

I have to be honest and say that I wish this were not my journey.  I wish my childhood were happy and carefree.  However, it shaped me to be the man that I am.  It allows me to be compassionate with my students, to speak up even when my voice shakes and to fight for justice.  It allows me to hold open the space for others to share their voices.  This is my gift!

 

Sometimes I ask why did this happen to me?  What lesson(s) was I to learn from this?  I don’t have many answers for why, but I do have answers for lessons.  I have been given the gift of empathy, the strength to face my abuse and the courage to heal from it.  This is not an easy task nor is it a quick one. 

 

There are so many of us out here.  Sexual assault and rape is rampant in this world.  We don’t care about our children or our women.  They are seen as possessions, items without choices that can be discarded and thrown away.  Until men, women and children see this and demand change the system will continue!  So we must work to heal and light the way for others. 

The Community is Constantly Changing

I am fortunate to work with students on a collage campus. I get to be on the cusp of the changing face of young queer people. When I started this journey people had not re-claimed the word queer. In fact when I started at UW-L people were still calling us the GLBT Community. At that time people did not really understand what bisexuality or transgender meant. During this time women started changing the name to the LGBT Community (why always let the men be first!!!) Pretty soon we started adding letters. I remember when a student made a sign that said "Queer Pride!" He hung it in the Pride Center (the office was called the Diversity Resource Center at that time)office window (this was when the office was across from 212 Cartwright so it was very visible.) I had a lot of conversations with staff who were shocked and offended. As students started to use the word more and more some faculty and staff embraced it. Still to this day there are faculty, staff and students who will never use the term. Why take back a word that is still used to hurt? Young people don't have the memory of the past and how that word was used. I remember going to the NGLTF (National Gay and Lesbian Task Force) Conference and seeing in the program that one of the caucuses was for Gender Queer people. I had no idea what that was about. I read the description and thought "That could be me!" So I went and found a sea of people that were so diverse. Diverse in age, race, how they identified and where they were at in this process. It was a beginning for me. It was the first time I had ever really thought about gender. There are so many things to learn and to keep learning. Terms that we have just started educating the campus community on in the last 2-3 years. cisgender- term used to describe persons who have a gender that society considers appropriate for the one assigned at birth. pansexual- someone who may experience sexual attraction toward people regardless of gender and physical sex.** non-binary- is an umbrella term covering any gender identity or expression that does not fit within the gender binary. asexual- someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy or sexual abstinence, which are behaviours, while asexuality is generally considered to be a sexual orientation. Some asexuals do participate in sex, for a variety of reasons.** demisexual- person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.** ** From the AVEN Wiki http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page I was preparing myself tonight to present the Pride Center's Ally Training tomorrow to the Financial Aid staff at UW-L and in preparing I found two terms in the Prezi that I had to research on. neutrois- a non-binary gender identity that falls under the genderqueer or transgender umbrellas gray a- Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who: do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances** One terminology that I hear young people using is the acronym GSM which stands for Gender and/or Sexual Minority. I have heard and read that they feel it is more inclusive then LGBTIQQAA or Queer. I am not sure I would ever use that term to describe myself or my community. The Free Dictionary defines the word... mi·nor·i·ty (m-nôr-t, -nr-, m-) n. pl. mi·nor·i·ties 1. a. The smaller in number of two groups forming a whole. b. A group or party having fewer than a controlling number of votes. 2. a. A racial, religious, political, national, or other group thought to be different from the larger group of which it is part. b. A group having little power or representation relative to other groups within a society. c. A member of one of these groups. I feel like we have worked so hard educating people to NOT call people of color, women, people with disabilities, queer people, etc... minorities and now the word is re-surfacing. I still hear family members and colleagues use that term. However, I try to help them re-phrase what they are saying with a different word. The bottom line is the world keeps changing. I am happy to be in a place where I can see, hear and be a part of it.

Welcome 2012

The picture is me with my first "real" bow tie. They are not easy to tie! Tara and I worked on this for about two hours. We watched youtube clips over and over and finally I got it!!!

2012 has started well for me. Tara and I spent a lot of time together over winter break. The holidays went pretty well for me. Christmas was a bit sad this year because it brought back memories from having to put Cierra down last year. It helps to have a wonderful new puppy named Lily. Tara and I had tears several times this holiday season remembering our beloved girl.

Holiday times with family has been pretty good. I did have one experience with some of Tara's extended family. One of the teenage cousins was at Christmas with her boyfriend. They sat on a couch all night staring and laughing at me. I did not feel paranoid or anything!! I ignored them and did my own thing. Another experience I had happened just this past weekend. Visiting Tara's 80+ year old grandma in the nursing home and one of her grandma's friends stops by. Alpha introduces us to her and she referrers to me as her granddaughter's husband, Will. Tara and I both agrees it feels a little weird to be called a husband or a wife, but to have her grandma be so supportive of us is great!!!

Hopefully 2012 will have more blogs then the previous years!!!

Shalom!

Oh What a Difference a Year Makes!

Well, I have not written anything in a while. So let me get everyone up to speed! Last May Tara and I got married. This whole process has been a journey!

After chest surgery I worked with my surgeon to get the needed letter for my application to change my gender marker. In Wisconsin you have to contact a man in Madison and ask for the paperwork for gender marker change. Once you have it you need a letter from the surgeon assuring the judge that you have had gender changing surgery. You turn that in to the county you live in along with a check and it goes before a judge. I did not have to go into the courtroom this time which was nice. Once you have the paperwork you begin to change all of your identifications and cards. This is a never ending process.

Tara and I have been together for 20 years and although we were never legally married we were married to each other's souls. I don't think we ever thought we would legally marry and of course I always said if same sex marriage became legal we were going to do it!!! I never really thought we would get married as a queer couple. A year before we started to talk about it. I think it helped to see our good friends Darci and Peyton another queer couple that also got married. We also began to think of health insurance and some of the benefits. So we set a date! May 1, 2010 we married at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of La Crosse by Eric Severson. Tara made lasagna for dinner, with fresh asparagus, garlic bread. We served cool soda, wine and champagne. Tara made a flour less chocolate cake and cookies and her Aunt Margaret Ann made us a beautiful cake. We invited 50 of our closet friends. Our nieces handed out flowers for the flower ceremony and they were our flower girls too!! Jason Kouba sang a song from our youth Steven Curtis Chapman I Will Be Here and we had an amazing quartet play beautiful music (thanks smom.)

I did not really understand what that day would mean or how it would feel. I once heard Robin Ochs (Bisexuality Educator) talk about the day Same Sex Marriage became legal in Massachusetts. She shared with us the video of her and Peg's wedding day and she talked about how much sharing their love publicly with their family and friends meant to her. After experiencing it myself I understand. Freely and publicly sharing your commitment and love with the people that love you is such an amazing thing. Every person that loves another person should be allowed the opportunity to do this in your church, at the park or with a judge. I am so happy Tara was willing to go on this ride with me. Tara bought this vintage dress that was so beautiful. She was amazing! Her family was incredible. Her aunt, uncles, cousin, grandma, brother and sister-on-law and mom and dad all attended. Her dad cried when he hugged her. It was amazing! For the first time in 20 years I felt so free. Free for us to really be ourselves.

So had married life changed us? No, I don't think it has. Being seen as a straight couple is odd and all of the privileges that we are given is shocking and hard to get use to. We can hold hands or kiss and hug and not fear for our safety. Tara can use my credit card even though we do not have the same last name. All she has to say is "it is my husbands." We have found that we both have used "my wife... or my husband..." in certain venues to receive better service. It feels weird but it also feels naughty like wait until they catch us. We felt that way the day we went to get our marriage license. What if something pops up and the tell us "you're busted you can't get married!" But that never happened! The rules in this world don't make any sense.

I love Tara just as much if not more than the day we said I do just the two of us. She loves me and went on this journey with me and I am so lucky to have held on to her love. She is an incredible woman. She is strong and she too has grown so much.

This past December Tara and I had to do the most difficult thing ever. We had to put our 11 year old yellow lab, Cierra, down. It was very hard to do and I still feel sad about loosing her. I am so glad we had each other. I always said the day something happens to Cierra I will need two weeks off just to recuperate. Well, I had taken two weeks off for the holidays and to hang out with Cierra. She got sick on Christmas Eve and never recovered. I spent my two weeks mourning our baby and working on moving on. It was hard because she was our baby, our family and to make that decision was torture. We knew her body was beginning to fail and I was ready to help her age and all of a sudden change happens.

I grew up with a dog throughout my childhood (schnauzers - Buffy and Cheech) and I always felt those dogs got me through my past. My family was very dysfunctional and those dogs soothed me. Their were times in my adult life while healing from the traumas of childhood that Cierra was that support for me. I wish I could have done more for her because she gave so much to me. (I love you girl!)

Because of our love for dogs we decided to get another pet come summer. We both needed time to grieve and to move on. I of course got the itch much sooner than Tara. We looked at adult dogs and decided we would do one more puppy. So in May we found The Lab Rescue. They had a cute puppy named Abby on their web page. She was still available and living outside of Madison in a foster home with her siblings and mother. We went and met the mom and her two brothers and fell in love. A week later Lily came into our home and our hearts forever. So for part of May and all of June I used my vacation to spend time bonding and training Lily.

This is the first year in 10 that I am using all but 8 hours of my vacation!! It feels amazing! Tara, Lily and I are doing some stay-cations and enjoying life. Who knew what a difference a year has made!

Don't Give Up

I know we might be disappointed with some of the outcomes from tonights election however, this does not mean we should give up. Tonight I went to a performance From Kings to Thugs to President sponsored by BSU. This program was incredible!!! It was incredibly moving and hit home for me in so many ways.

Here are some of my thoughts on the final message.
1. Leave a legacy
2. You were meant to be "here" (wherever that is for you.)
3. I have a responsibility to do the hard work and work towards change
4. Work together
5. Create a message that can be heard by everyone

I am a survivor. I rarely talk about this but it is part of my history and my experience has made me who I am today. As a survivor it is my job to keep reaching out and helping others. I heard that tonight in the performance. I have learned so much on my journey and although there were times I did not think I would make it I did!

Marching for our Pride and Dignity - Oktoberfest 2010

When Rosanne, the Director of the LGBT Resource Center in La Crosse sent out the request for people to march in the Oktoberfest Parade I was apprehensive. I thought why would any LGBTQ person want to march in front of all those drunk people? Let alone our safety! So I thought about it for awhile and then I asked Rosanne if she was worried at all? She said, Yes I am concerned, however it is time. She was right! LGBTQ people deserve the right to march in the Oktoberfest!

So I told her I would be there. On Saturday morning (9/25/2010) I put on my Gay? Fine by Me t-shirt and met up with the Center folks by the North side Subway. It was a small group at first maybe 6 people and a local celebrity Drag King Lyle Love's It! As it got closer to the parade start more people joined us. Many of the people present were young GALAXY youth. Some were Center volunteers, a couple of Board members and a handful of other adults. We got ready getting our tasks assigned. I was to give out candy (I am sure Rosanne regretted that request since I was finished with both my bags before we ever got to Festival Foods!) Several people were going to help carry the large rainbow flag. One of the youth was on Rollerblades and was carrying two flags on a stick. One flag was a rainbow flag and the other was a rainbow flag with the stars from the USA flag on it.

As time got closer we were getting lined up and someone came over to Rosanne and told her that some guys from the Riverfest Float were yelling at the youth to stop disrespecting the US flag. At that point we looked over at the youth and one of the Riverfest men was marching over to the youth. The man immediately began yelling "stating that we were not going to march with that flag!" He grabbed the stick from her hands and began yanking on it. He continued to yell. Rosanne ran over and said she was a 14 year old child and that there were other children present please stop. He did not care. At that point I ran over to intervene and asked "Do you want us to get the police involved?" He said "Yes!" So I ran towards the corner where 3 La Crosse police were managing traffic. An officer got out of his vehicle and walked towards us. I was telling him how the Riverfest man was grabbing the flag and yelling at one of our children. At that time the Riverfest man started to go back to his float. As he walked away he yelled either we are shit or pieces of shit. He also yelled "You should go to a country where they will hang you!"

I walked back to our float and my body was shaking and my heart was racing. I was afraid, angry and wanted to scream. The other youth and center members were also upset. I saw a couple of the youth giving the Riverfest people the finger. I told them "Stop! That is exactly what they want us to do! We are better than that. Let's not stoop to that level" I was afraid he might of hurt Rosanne or the youth. I also worried about the other youth and center members that maybe one of the group would lunge back. I saw some of the faces of the Riverfest people who were embarrassed and disgusted. However, not one of them ran over to remove their peer from the situation. That is very disappointing. That the police officer saw that he was in our parade space and despite us telling him what he did and said he asked Rosanne "What do you want me to do?"

I don't know for sure but it seemed that this incident began because he did not like our flag. It was not the US flag it was a pride flag that had the stars on it. It is ok for him to disagree with our use of the flag. It is not ok that man representing the city of La Crosse's Riverfest event come over and get into a pushing and pulling match with a 14 year old youth. When he yelled that we should go to a country that will hang us he made this into an anti-LGBTQ incident filled with hate. That youth spent time crying and the group spent time worrying what will the rest of the parade entail. It was stated several times that this was why we needed to walk in the parade.

As the parade began we all moved forward unknowing what we would find. I know I heard a few negative remarks, but for the most part we found love, compassion and support. Many of us had friends and family in the crowds yelling and cheering. I saw many LGBTQ people waving! I saw ally's waving and cheering! I saw students waving and cheering. Despite the ignorance of a few I hoped if anything some conversations might have occurred or some ally's maybe spoke up.

I will walk again next year and I hope many of you will join us. I also hope that many of you will join the Center on October 16th for the 3rd Annual Silent Rally for Equality in honor of National Coming Out Day (10/11.) We will gather at 11:30 at Cameron Park (5th and King streets.) Bring signs, flags and friends. At noon we walk to the Cass Street bridge and span it with our members. We stand on the bridge with our signs and flags showing the people that we are united and that we support LGBTIQQAA people and we will not tolerate ignorance and hate in our community. Rosanne hopes to see 200 people this year, but secretly I hope there is 300 people! I hope people from all parts of this community come forward.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I can't help but think about Rosanne's concerns. When we filled out the police reports she shared her concern that there will repercussions to the LGBTQ community if we do this. She is right there might be. He is a prominent La Crosse person, a Riverfest Commodore, etc... We are a community that people still think are sick, immoral and criminals. I must admit I am nervous about the whole thing. However, it is wrong for a man to attack a child and to threaten a community the way that he did. I also know that we have many many allys in this community and if we are further attacked I believe good will prevail and that people will come forward and support us.

I never really liked Oktoberfest and I can't say my feelings have changed, but I will walk again next year! I hope Rosanne either gives me a different job or buys more candy!