Something I wrote in 2005

From Where I Sit

I am a very open person, yet most of my colleagues do not know who the real me is. I am academic staff and I work with LGBTIAQQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Intersex, Allies, Queer and Questioning) students as well as students with LGBTQ parents. This is half of my job although it could be full time. I love my job and I love working on queer issues. This is my passion. I am an advocate, a mover and a shaker, and I am “momma” to all my students.

What most people on my campus do not know is that I am dealing with my own gender identity issues. It is no secret that my gender expression is masculine. I wear shirts and ties almost every day. When I am in a shirt and tie I feel real, I feel sure of myself, and I feel whole. Most people assume or ignore who I am. What they do not know is that I am transgender/gender queer. I wear shirts and ties because I feel more masculine then feminine and the only way I feel comfortable in my own skin is by expressing my gender as male.

I am lucky to work in an environment that allows me to be my true self. That is not to say that I do not get odd looks, or that people do not whisper behind my back. They do, but I have made many allies on campus through my work and through my honest expression of who I am. Recently, the University Of Wisconsin Board Of Regents unanimously passed a resolution to add gender identity and expression to the system’s non-discrimination policy. I am protected here. I am free to explore my gender identity. I am lucky.


Katie Van Roosenbeek, Pride Center Director
University of Wisconsin-La Crosse

Surgery and changing my gender marker! Part 1

So I was born and raised and currently live in the state of Wisconsin and you can legally change your gender marker on your birth certificate in this state. To do this you must fill out a form and pay money for copies of the document and have surgery.

Early on in my process I inquired about the process and had many questions. So I called the person at the state and inquired for more information. He informed me that I needed to complete the form and have surgery. I asked "What kind of surgery?" He answered "The surgery." Of course I asked a follow up question. "What kind of surgery? There are many surgeries a person can have that is transgender. Which one are you referring to?" He sounded frustrated with me and answered again a bit louder "THE surgery! Do you want the form mailed to you or not?" "No, I was just wondering about it."

Well in 2009 I had found a surgeon and a credit account I could use for surgery and decided to have chest surgery. I set my date for the end of December. I work at a University and it would be a great time to be off and healing. So in December I called the person at the state again and asked to have the forms mailed. I filled them out as soon as they arrived. When I met my surgeon one of the questions I asked if he would write a letter for me to support my gender marker change. Dr. B. was happy to do this and would like me to write a sample letter to make sure it gets everything I need in it.

So during that last week of December I had the surgery. If you have small breasts the surgery is less invasive. That surgery is referred as the "Keyhole." They make small openings to take the breast tissue out.

Since I was "blessed" with larger breasts I had to have the double incision bilateral mastectomy. Which for me meant two large cuts under my breast, a cut up the middle to the nipple (so that he could make the areola smaller.) They take out all the breast tissue and some fatty tissue and fix areola, pull your chest up so that it looks more like that of a male (accurate placement.) Sometimes to work on the areola they most take your nipples off and graph them back on. My surgeon did not do that instead he used a different method.


All of that is a day surgery procedure! You leave with bandages and wraps on your chest and drainage tubes on both sides. The tubes are rather gross, but necessary for healing. I remember one instance when we were discussing if we should take the last tube out since the output was so minimal but still significant. He said "We could take it out and if you retain fluid we would have to put the tube back in. It is easier to leave it in vs. putting the tube back in." I thought about that for a second and said let's leave it in!!!!

So when did you know??

Many people ask the question "When did you know you were ..." When did you know you were gay or transgender etc... You never hear straight people ask each other that question. That is privilege!

I did not know that I was transgender as a child I did know that I was "different" and that something was missing. I also grew up in a time that people rarely if at all spoke about gay or lesbian people. So even if I would have "know" I did not have the language or the knowledge. Looking back I can see that I struggled but did not know what it all meant.

I fell in love with my partner in college. I had never been in a same sex relationship before and it was a struggle to come to terms with. It went against what people in the Catholic Church said. However, it was our Catholic beliefs that brought us together. What we had was so beautiful and loving. Neither one of us embraced the identity of lesbian very well at first. It was not until I returned to graduate school that I fully embraced this identity.

The feeling of different stayed with me and I would explain it as a hole that I could not fill. Without it full I was never complete and I would need to continue to search. I did not know I was transgender until my mid 30's.

Most LGBTQQAA people know that they are different at a young age. We all eventually feel emotions towards others. For some it is in elementary school. Others in middle or high school. And others may not feel that until college or adulthood or old age. We are all different! We are not really that different from you!

So think to yourself. When did you know ...? Learn your story and share it with others!

How it all began

I never felt complete or whole. In fact I often felt like I had a very large hole inside that I could not figure out what belonged in it. I used alcohol, cutting, food, masturbation etc, etc, etc, Nothing helped. I did therapy and worked on a lot of shit which helped me in so many ways but in the end i was still empty

The first time I heard gender queer I was interested. Was that me? The name and the identity fit for awhile but like everything else in the end i was still empty. My research had me read the book Becoming a Visible Man and I felt the need to explore my gender identity and expression.

If you have never struggled with your gender identity/expression you will never understand what it is like to not be congruent all of your life and to spend so much time and energy searching for the real you! This process is difficult but has helped me become whole!

Legally changing my gender!

In the state of WI you must have "surgery" before you can legally change your gender marker. So I called the Office of Vital Records and talked to Hal and asked him "what kind of surgery do you need" His answer "the surgery." I responded with "which one?" His answer "The Surgery!" I of course had to say "do you know how many types of surgery a person could have? Which one are you talking about?" His answer "DO YOU WANT ME TO MAIL THE FORM OR NOT?" I said "no thanks."

Well, just a couple of years later and here I am again and this time I did want the form mailed. I have had chest surgery and I am ready to complete the form and get a new birth certificate. I will have the old birth certificate impounded so that it can not be accessed.

It's a boy!!!!!